My war against 19 year olds (or how great was The Dark Knight? right?)

I dont know if you've seen it yet but The Dark Knight is the dog's bollocks! Fuck! It is the movie equivalent of a 3 hour orgasm... dont ask how i would know that. Watch it. And damn Chris Nolan for being such an alien! How does he come up with this stuff? I mean, its not the greatest movie of all time (that would be Showgirls... duh?) but it is easily the most involving and exciting and amazing movie experience i've ever had at the cinema!

My workmate's named Doris.

I have a picture of her somewhere but i cant find it right now. She is hot. Now some of you might be thinking: "Oh... here goes another one of those chauvanist pigs... hiring girls cos of their good looks.... their bountiful racks and full bottoms... their long, long, long legs and bedroom eyes... their soft, cocnut skin and cherry lips..." Sorry i got carried away there. But the point is that i hate (F-E-A-R) 19 year old girls/ladies/women. And they're EVERYWHERE, right? I'm telling you, i've learnt to sniff them out. If a lady walks into my store and i start to give in to the allure of the sexy spot between her chin and her bossom, right below the neck but just above the cleavage... she's gonna be 19!! Its like i couldnt escape them to save my life.

Maybe i'm biased. You see, i have loved only 2 women in my life (Halle Berry doesnt count anymore cos she got pregnant). Now maybe its my karma or maybe the gods have it out for me but believe it or not, both of these vixens just so happened to be 19 when i graciously offered them my heart on a silver platter and they callously took it, run it through a meat grinder, took that mince and dried it out in the sun, crushed it into a powder which they then dissovled in sulphuric (or ammonic) acid, strained through a wire mesh, froze and sent to the arctic for the eskimoes to use as shark bait!

Or perhaps i was simply an asshole and deserved to be kicked to the curb. Actually, that sounds more accurate. That was it, i think.

Nevertheless, the fact that they both happened to be 19 is no conincidence. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in providence. In purpose. When i see 3 ships, 3 captains and 3 objectives... Wow, wasnt the Matrix:Reloaded the most ass kicking of the 3? Aaahh, good times.

There's girls that keep me company at the store. In shifts. Doris only works on my days off so during the week i'm all by me onesies. These "visitors" of mine all happen to be 19. I knew it before i ever saw them that they would be 19. God knows i swore them off for this year so He keeps messing with me. Every single hot girl that walks into my store just so happens to be 19! Or at least they once were or will someday be! Coincidence? Am i being paranoid? i dont think so. And the thing is, i always realise it far too late!

They bounce into my store like free range bunnies, their eyes so full of the promise of a bright day. (For the women, by "eyes" i mean "breasts"). She'll stroll over to my counter to ask me questions she'll never know the answer to. She'll wink and grin and flirt and smile... and i'll feel the darkness of the clouds closing in but know that she's wound that invisible leash round my neck and its too late for me. Save yourselves... her intellect is too much for me. ("intellect"= Cleavage) And then once i'm in, once i'm doomed beyond the slightest hope of redemption, i'll actually start to listen to what she's saying and the things she's talking about.

"Kale, me i know Bebe Kool. In fact me i just call him Bebe... cos he's like my bebe bro. That guy is a "G"... Are you a "G"?... Eh eh, kyoka, you! You think you're a "G"? Anyway you are. I was going to go for Akon but me that guy looks too ghetto for me!... But i like his song of Smack That... He makes good love songs..."... .... ..... ..............

I listen but in my mind i vow eternal vengeance against that unfairly full 19 year old cleavage staring me in the face. It is a war and the cleavage has won this battle. But i will have my vengeance! Oh yes, the day will come when the cleavage will yield to me!...

Only not today...

"Do you know Collie Budz used to be black? Eh eh! I'm telling you... kyoka i used to know he was black but then he isnt. Even Sean Po!...".... .... ...................

Setting up (or how i stopped calling Jesus "J-Bone")

The carpenter is late.

Fucking bastard!! He's late and i'm out of time. Seriously.... how can a carpenter be late? I mean, its not like a caterer who has to wait for the food to get ready or a doctor waiting on some lab results before he can give his diagnosis... its a fucking carpenter! You get some wood, cut it down, wilt it, sand it, varnish it- voila! Stupid carpenter. You know who else was a carpenter? Jesus! And whether or not you believe in all his magic tricks, one thing can be said about the man: he was a damn good carpenter! And i bet he wouldnt have me waiting around my still empty store with 7 boxes of DVD cases ready and waiting to be shelved which i cant do because the damn carpenter making the shelves is LATE!!!

Stupid Carpenter!
"Dont insult the carpenter."
Why not?.. Wait... who said that?
"Its me... Jesus..."
Jesus? As in THE Jesus?
"Duh!"
Wow... the Jesus.. J-Bone...
"Yeah, dont call me that... now, i'd like for you to lay off your fellow man."
Oh you can be sure i'm laying him off! His ass is grass after this!
"No, no... thats not what i mean at all... I'm saying, it would be best for you to give him a break. Go easy on him."
Wow... even after all this time, you carpenters sure stick together! But wait... i dont even believe in you...
"Sure you do."
No, really, i dont. Dont do church or the bible or any of that stuff. I'm not a Christian.
"Of course you are."
Nope.
"Yeah huh."
Really? Thats your arguement to win my soul over and save me from eternal damnation?..."Yeah huh"?
"Yeah well... that and... THIS!"
Holy fuck balls!!!
"Woah, watch the blasphemy..."
How the hell did you do that??? Seriously...
"Do not despair, future almost successful small business owner. Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage; the human spirit is to grow strong through conflict."
Wow... who is that, Blake?
"William Ellery Channing."
Thats good.
"Right? Yeah i dig it too. Anyway, the point is that you need to take it easy on your fellow man and perhaps others will do unto... others?... no!... you will do...?"
Wooooah, easy there,... Lord... dont hurt yourself. I think i follow you.
"You're going to do fine, young man. Your path is a golden one just as long as you remember most importantly and above all, ensure that you dont forget-.... oooh i gotta go!"
Wait, dont forget what? Dont forget what??
"Sorry, its 9.00 pm and LOST is starting. It ended on a real nail biter last week. Peace be with you, child."
Wait... isnt that the moslem thing? Jesus? Lord?

But he's gone. I mean He... dammit I'm getting confused. The point is, i'm able to pull myself together and when the carpenter does eventually show up, we start to build:

Seriously, this is the space we started with...
But with a little Curious George man in the yellow suit paint...
Some "shelves" and a little "artwork"(yeah, i did music not art)...
Covered up those gaps and paint spills in the wall with dvd jackets...
And soon enough, my dream has come together...

Next time, i'll tell you all about my personal vendetta against 19 year olds and the truth about how Tom Cruise fell in love with Scientology. In the meantime, feel free to stop by the store one of these days... we give free popcorn to the customers on Tuesadays.

Except we dont.

Dammit! (or how i got into a wrestling match with God)

One day i went to bed and woke up 25! I was a little angry with God for playing me like that so i said, "God, thats not cool and You know it... Now that You've had Your laugh, how about switching me back?"
But God said, "Huh? what? No, I'm off today... really wish i could help but my hands are tied.."
"Tied? What are you talking about?! I woke up with hair on my face, my chest and covering mr. Periwinkle!! What the hell happened to me?"
"Are you on a new diet or something? Cos that Atkins thing-"
"Will You stop kidding around, Lord?I'm missing Beast Wars cos of You and You're telling me Your hands are tied?!... Hello?... Hel-"
"The number you have dialed is not available...."
DAMMIT! I was furious! Stupid MTN! How many times had i pushed God to switch to Warid but noooo.... He couldnt leave Late Chat behind! Damn you 50 shs sms's and insanely cheap calls after 11 pm and on Sundays!

So there i was, a stupid, lazy kid helplessly trapped inside the body of a 25 year old dude... The incredibly well toned body of a handsome 25 year old Adonis. Perfectly chiseled jaw, arms the size of canons, abs that made beer six packs seem inadequate and when i looked down below my waist...

Wait

Wait. Thats not quite how it happened. Sure thats how it played out in my head but the truth of the matter is, i woke up one day and REALISED i was 25. It was during a conversation with my father when he happened to mention that i was 25 and that it was time for me to start to be somebody. My father or my annoying adopted brother, Ray. I dont recall. The point is , whoever it was, was right. "We aint these little kids no more, running dangerous"-Nas

The first girl i'd ever been in love with had left. I'd given up my shitty job in a Brussels hotel and come back to a country i couldnt have fled quickly enough years earlier and my screenplay that i had believed would change how the world looks at homeless people had not even made the first round in the Nicholl Fellowship Screenplay writing competition. I was down ya'll. SOmewhere amidst all the late night movies and flactuating weight patterns, i'd lost myself. I prayed to God for help. I really did. You see sometimes, the world is just no the place you want to be but you're so lost that even your dreams are filled with gray skies and emptiness.

I prayed. And waited. A week, 2 and a half weeks, months, an entire season of LOST.

No word from up above. Just emptiness.

I felt abandoned. All the songs i listened to at the time seemed to hae the most depressing lyrics. A n old BB King song went, "No one loves me but my mother.... and she could be jivin' too..." So i turned to movies again. Just watched them day in day out. Didnt shower or sleep or go outside. Just watched movies and ate alot of home cooked food. I was 25 and headed nowhere... slowly.

Then i popped in Batman Begins. After rewatching the Prestige and Memento, it occurred to me that since those 2 are my all time favourite movies, i should give Chris Nolan's Batman Begins another try. I hadnt hated it the first time, i just didnt think it was that great. I popped it in.

And thats when God gave me an answer.

It was the scene where the very young Bruce Wayne falls into a mysterious cave and is frightened by bats (hmmm, wonder where THATS leading?) before his father carries him safely through the huge door of Wayne Manor and asks very gently, "Why do we fall son?" There it was, buried in the treasure that is Chris Nolan's Batman Begins, the key to overcoming any obstacle, any of life's stupid challenges. There it was, waiting for me in the calmly soothing voice of Thomas Wayne. "Why do we fall, Bruce?"

I woke up. I got up. I looked out my window and smiled at the blue sky, a smile only me and the Main Man understood. Mysterious ways? Bloody enigmatic! Huh... thats an "e" word isnt it? Funny thing, that.



Obligatory Post Scriptum: For those who havent watched the brilliant Batman Beigns or those who might want to refresh their memories of it in the wake of the Dark Knight, come check out mr.E's Movie Rental Experience in Ntinda behind the boda stage, opposite the market place, right before Musana Plaza.(Kisaasi Road)