Saturday, September 27, 2008

Not Safe For Work (or "Mommy, where do babies come from?")

I am not (intentionally) a perv.

Just wanted to go on the record with that cos what i have to say may be shocking and to some... even disturbing. Right.... the truth of the matter is, ladies in Kampala are over-doing it with the cleavage show.

There, i said it and i'm not taking it back. I know this has put me on alotta men's Kick His Ass In The Men's Room list and i know i can no longer walk out in public without watching my back but it had to be said. Now i am a man.... boy... man.... kid... boy.... man. I'm a man, dammit! And the heavens know i love me some cleavage, oh yeah. But do i really need to see all the way down to your BELLY BUTTON??? I mean, c'mon!!! No one bends that low unless they're the Hunchback of Notre Dame!!

A lady came in the other day, a kind of customer who'd been in once or twice before but had never signed up or borrowed anything. She just came to ask if i had the latest episode of her favorite show... Many people's favorite show... You know the one i'm talking about. The one that sucks like a 4 year old on an ice cream cone. Yup, THAT show. Anyways, we wound up talking for quite a while and because i was busy working on a small project (The Knee Punchers Movement, coming soon!!!) it was a good minute before i even looked up at her.

Really i should say looked "down at them". Now i know, i'm a pig right? "Ooooh, he's such a dog, staring at the nice ladies private businesses?" Thats what you're thinking, right ladies? Well then allow me to put this question to you, women around the world... Lets say you owned a salon... what? is that sexist cos i think women can only work in salons?.... Alright, lets say you owned a restaurant, cos women cook pretty darn good too... there, happy? So you own this beautiful little restaurant and its midafternoon, slow times, place is almost empty then a customer walks in. Some guy, a dude, he's been in before, walks over to your counter, makes his order, very polite, then as he turns to walk over to his designated seat, you notice that he is wearing low-rider jeans. Thats right, really tight ones at that and basically half his ass is hanging out of those tight jeans...

Are you seriously going to tell me you wouldnt look? Listen, its either one of 2 things: either he's so hot that you cant help ogling and wondering OR the sight is so nasty that you desperately want to look away but like a car wreck, you just cant avert your eyes!

Thats what cleaveage is like... Except with guys, we really dont have that 2nd option. I'll be honest, in all my years of cleavage-spotting, i cant recall ever feeling anything but peaceful tranquility. Now i know the first year psych students are gonna jump in with their Freudian Oedipus Complex stuff... But its not that. Its just that when you fall upon the perfect cleavage ("Perfect" means ANY), there's this warmth that washes over you, all through your body and the sun is a little bit brighter, the moon is a little bit closer, peace, love, unity, happiness and for whatever reason, the most prominent thought running through your mind is.... Milk.

It just occurred to me that i started out complaining about these Indecent Cleavage Exhibitionists but i now realise i have these I.C.E. queens to thank for getting me through the colder days simply by offering the bounty of their bosoms. See? There really is a silver lining on every cloud. (Smiley face HERE)

I wanna use this quick second to give a special virtual hug to my infrequent companion, Diana, who regales me constantly with the most astonishing tales you ever heard whenever she comes through. I took a picture of her somewhere but i cant find it so this will have to do. There's an uncanny likeness...

And once again, Cake Lady dropped off some.... well, CAKE. I mean she IS the cake lady and thats how she rolls. Only this time she hit me with 2 different kinds of cake. I am working up the nerve to propose....

The other night we had a kind of guys evening, just pigging out and watching martial arts flicks and i suddenly had this desire to open up a Gentleman's Club. But then i reflected on it a few days later and couldnt work out the difference between a Gentleman's Club and a male gay bar.

Yeah.... so that idea kind of died. I say we keep the milk flowing into mr.E's.... I mean, a little cleavage never really hurt anybody...


Carlo said...

You have a blog? Cool. And me I think cleavage CAN be too much and sometimes it is (ask my sister who is an expert) but I'm a girl so my opinion doesn't count does it?

31337 said...


too much cleavage? is that even possible?