Monday, August 4, 2008

The Cake Lady and My Idle Ways

Alot of people dont understand how its possible, but believe it or not, every now and then... i get bored. I mean, i know i have a world of movies, a knife wielding Angelina or a teary-eyed Tom Hanks just a click away, plus the occasional vaccist popping in to brighten my day but consider the fact that i've seen most all the movies in our extensive collection and even though i wouldnt admit this under oath to save a man's life, after a while... its just... seen one heavenly youthful rack, you've seen them all.

Obligatory Disclaimer: I know some of you are picking up on the fact that i ogle my customers' variously protruding cleavages but let me be the first to say this and i want it clearly understood: I have NEVER, in my entire lifetime, and i swear this on Thor, god of thunder, that i have NEVER admired a cleavage that didnt want or deserve my expert attention.

Which brings us to Sheilah. This is Sheilah.

Actually, i do not objectify her like i do almost any other of the hot, impressionable young women of tomorrow that float into my movie parlour. If anything, i enjoy Sheilah's visits because she doesnt get all insecure about the fact that i'm not trying to romance her or lech after her like i'm sure most men do. It was established quite early on that she is THAT age... you know the one i mean... The Age of Which We Do Not Speak... (19)... and she assured me that i'm not her type. Apprently she "is more into hot dudes" (ouch!!). So we're safe around each other thus we talk about anything: TV shows (she has crappy taste), going to campus (i've never been...awwww), sex with virgins ("boring", though i disagree), sex with midgets ("taboo", though i disagree) and one of the most fascinating things i've learned this year: women's objective discussions about slutting.

the E: ... I'm serious, those are your options. When you join campus you can either stay celibate or become a slut.


the E: Wait... wait, so you're actually considering sluthood? i thought you'd hit me with your phone or give me the look you threw me when i suggested porn as an alternative to Scrubs Sn 6 disk 2... Yeah, that look!

Sh: No, its not like i'm considering but its just funny cos me and my sister are always talking about it-

the E: Hold up, hold up... You mean you and your sisters actually sit around and weigh the pros and cons of Sluthood? Are you serious?

Sh: Yeah i mean you have to talk about it... doesnt mean we're doing it!

the E: yeah i know but you're telling me girls sit around and have rational discussions about just letting loose like Free Willy... as in the movie... You havent watched Free Willy? wow, you musta had a rubbish childhood- Ow!! You're going to break your stupid phone!

Sh: I swear if you break my phone-

the E: If I break your phone? If my FOREHEAD breaks your phone?.... ... .... ...........

Yeah, its good times when she comes round. Hey SheilaH, if you ever get round to reading this... congrats on making it to that next step. Hope campus is everything you've read about in Red Pepper! Good Luck!

I love cake. No... i am cake. No... if cake were a movie, it would be a lesbian porn fest starring Scarlett Johanssen and a younger Raquel Welch as a teacher-student couple in a taboo relationship who decide to recruit .. um a pre-preggo Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Biel, Jessica White and... all the other hot Jessicas... and non-Jessicas... into their big lesbian/bisexual spring break bonanza where i'm judging the hottest lesbian/bisexual tongue kissing contest- i really got sidetracked there, didnt i? Stupid hot Jessica White!

The point was that i really, REALLY love cake. And hot chicks named Jessica. Which us brings us to this lovely young lady right here:

This is Marianne (though i call her Jessica in my mind). She is some kind of angel i think. Whenever she graces me with a visit, the sun seems to shine a little bit brighter. We've known each other for like 10 years now (10!!) and I think she hovers magically above the ground because i imagine her feet are too delicate to touch the earth. She is heaven sent. And i'm not just saying it cos she brings me cake. That's only like 88% of the reason i think she's a celestial being. Anyone who's met her knows what i'm talking about. Marianne brings the hummingbirds to life. Okay, and she brought me cake AGAIN today!!! Which was totally AWESOME!!! Cos cake is like... is there anything like cake? From now on, i am instating a new policy in E's domain: anyone visiting my 12 sq ft republic must present cake at the village gates before they're let in. Cookies will only be accepted as a weaker alternative after long negotiations.

So yeah... i was bored the other day and i decided to take my keyboard apart and... you know... wipe the dust off or whatever... WOW, i will never, ever do such a foolish thing again as long as i live. Fuck!!! yeah, the next time you're feeling idle, just glance at the following horrific, nightmare inducing pictures of my disassembled keyboard and you'll come to your senses.

WARNING: The following images are very graphic and somewhat disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised...


Anonymous said...

How the hell did you put this map together?

Just Rich said...

Do you mean "How the hell did you put this map together cos its so genius?" or more like "...together cos its so rubbish and leads nowhere?"
Just think of the junction in the map as the main Ntinda stage junction then it'll all make sense.
WARNING: the characters on the map might not actually be on the street when you're in the area...

Anonymous said...

Ok u're back (in a different

So u and Jessicas.

Get married to Marriane ASAP dude, what are u waiting for?

Anonymous said...

I mean it is like totally cool and it would help if-from Nakawa-is added.
Me already got me directions right but Cheri here might need ever detail when she gets back