My Soup Kitchen Experience (or M.Y.S.K.... oh no that doesnt work!!!)

"Soup Kitchen... Feeding The Hungry" is an intitiative undertaken by some regular people who had more than they needed (painstakingly pointed out to them by their insufferably lovable mascot, Jose) with the intention of getting food to the hungry. This is my recollection of what went down at The Basic Education for Urban Poor Areas (BEUPA) centre on Saturday afternoon.

If Jose hadn't called me, i honestly wasnt going.

Look... if i learnt anything from "About a Boy" (Starring Hugh Grant) its that you cant just do something good; you have to MEAN it. You cant just tell a girl she's beautiful; how you treat her has to reflect your appreciation of that beauty. That means getting her door when you step out of the car, holding her hand when you're navigating through a crowd and offering her your jacket when it gets cold.

Sure you could claim the whole "Equality" defense as to your un-gentlemanly ways but some things have nothing to do with being right especially if being right means heading home at 9.30 pm... on your own... to an empty bed....

So if Jose hadn't made that call to my phone on Saturday morning, i almost certainly wouldn't have gone to that dilapidated children's centre in Katanga.

Sure volunteering at an underprivileged kid's centre to cook and serve lunch to over 70 starving kids is the right thing to do but i'm an asshole (generally) so its not about whats right. Why give more of myself to this world than i feel i'm getting back? Oh... does that sound selfish? Well here's today's lesson: LIVING is selfish.

Hey i know the facts: these kids aren't to blame for the fact that they were born into one of the most poverty stricken corners of our city. Katanga is, interestingly, sanwiched somewhere in between Wandegeya and Mulago, tucked away like the dirty little secret it is. Plagued with more dirty little neglected kids than houseflies, running around their sewarge-drenched backyards, spreading and sharing the latest communicable diseases like christmas candy. All this non-chalantly over-looked by their incapacitated/unwilling/ un-interested/un-interesting loafers of parents, stewing in their own dull misery.

And it smells really bad there.

somewhat small but sanitarily satisfactory apartment on Saturday, the epidemic-epicentre-waiting-to-happen that is Katanga was way down on my list of idyllic destinations. But Jose called and that call of his made all the difference to what my weekend turned out to be like.

I mean, to control a group of unruly, seemingly unwanted kids without the aid of some large stick or rabid dogs is quite an accomplishment. We were introduced and it turns out the Instructors at this centre are unpaid volunteers (which i know sounds repetitive but we all know no one gives something for nothing). I dont recall their names but they were friendly enough.

Christine and Philip entertained the troops (kids), the rest of us took the money Jose had

been collecting prior to the day, bought the largest stack of chapatis you ever saw, a barrel of beans, a plantation of vegetables and a... um... and a thingie of spices. Grace and Prim did the bulk of the cooking though William helped out quite a bit with the...um... with... uh... lets say with the chopping. Jose took pictures of me sitting down,supervising.

We cooked.

We served.

They ate.

And they were hungry, ya'll. Forget what you've seen in the movies... these kids were like the little raptors from The Lost World (Jurassic Park 2), gnawing away at their lunch like they'd just come out of hibernation. And i watched them, stared for whole minutes at a time and a rush of random reflections flowed through my mind, mostly movies and songs about beans. But then at some point i began to realise that these kids werent some weekend charity project. Its not just about bulking up my C.V.or patting myself on the back for being a decent fellow.

Its not about trying to look good in the eyes of some girl or comforting my guilty soul... Well its about all of that but none of them at all.

You see, its about all that to us, the "Volunteers". It is charity to US. But to them.... to them its lunch. Its a warm meal in a week of cold, empty

plates for their dirty little neglected stomachs in the dirty little neglected bile of Katanga region. These kids are only provided with ONE MEAL A WEEK... Should it matter WHY we give? Perhaps to our deities or to our eternal souls but i dont think it matters to them. When you're hungry, all you want to do is eat. Thats ALL that matters.

So yeah, its dirty. It doesnt smell good and

its certainly no site for a picnic. But chances are the Katanga parents love those kids just as much or even more maybe than their aptly priviledged counterparts and are just stuck in a moment they cant get out of ( yes, i'm listening to U2). This isn't about charity. If someone's hungry, they should eat... right? I wouldnt have gone if Jose hadnt called me but i'm glad i did... you know why? Cos as the kids left the room to

head back to their forgotten existances, they were all smiling and a few of them even stopped to shake my hand saying, through their tooth-decayed milk teeth,"Bye Bye, Richard."

THAT made all the difference.

Footnotes: For info on how you can get in on some of The Soup Kitchen love, call Jose at ANY time of day or night on 0782430333.

Not Safe For Work (or "Mommy, where do babies come from?")

I am not (intentionally) a perv.



Just wanted to go on the record with that cos what i have to say may be shocking and to some... even disturbing. Right.... the truth of the matter is, ladies in Kampala are over-doing it with the cleavage show.

There, i said it and i'm not taking it back. I know this has put me on alotta men's Kick His Ass In The Men's Room list and i know i can no longer walk out in public without watching my back but it had to be said. Now i am a man.... boy... man.... kid... boy.... man. I'm a man, dammit! And the heavens know i love me some cleavage, oh yeah. But do i really need to see all the way down to your BELLY BUTTON??? I mean, c'mon!!! No one bends that low unless they're the Hunchback of Notre Dame!!

A lady came in the other day, a kind of customer who'd been in once or twice before but had never signed up or borrowed anything. She just came to ask if i had the latest episode of her favorite show... Many people's favorite show... You know the one i'm talking about. The one that sucks like a 4 year old on an ice cream cone. Yup, THAT show. Anyways, we wound up talking for quite a while and because i was busy working on a small project (The Knee Punchers Movement, coming soon!!!) it was a good minute before i even looked up at her.


Really i should say looked "down at them". Now i know, i'm a pig right? "Ooooh, he's such a dog, staring at the nice ladies private businesses?" Thats what you're thinking, right ladies? Well then allow me to put this question to you, women around the world... Lets say you owned a salon... what? is that sexist cos i think women can only work in salons?.... Alright, lets say you owned a restaurant, cos women cook pretty darn good too... there, happy? So you own this beautiful little restaurant and its midafternoon, slow times, place is almost empty then a customer walks in. Some guy, a dude, he's been in before, walks over to your counter, makes his order, very polite, then as he turns to walk over to his designated seat, you notice that he is wearing low-rider jeans. Thats right, really tight ones at that and basically half his ass is hanging out of those tight jeans...

Are you seriously going to tell me you wouldnt look? Listen, its either one of 2 things: either he's so hot that you cant help ogling and wondering OR the sight is so nasty that you desperately want to look away but like a car wreck, you just cant avert your eyes!

Thats what cleaveage is like... Except with guys, we really dont have that 2nd option. I'll be honest, in all my years of cleavage-spotting, i cant recall ever feeling anything but peaceful tranquility. Now i know the first year psych students are gonna jump in with their Freudian Oedipus Complex stuff... But its not that. Its just that when you fall upon the perfect cleavage ("Perfect" means ANY), there's this warmth that washes over you, all through your body and the sun is a little bit brighter, the moon is a little bit closer, peace, love, unity, happiness and for whatever reason, the most prominent thought running through your mind is.... Milk.

It just occurred to me that i started out complaining about these Indecent Cleavage Exhibitionists but i now realise i have these I.C.E. queens to thank for getting me through the colder days simply by offering the bounty of their bosoms. See? There really is a silver lining on every cloud. (Smiley face HERE)

I wanna use this quick second to give a special virtual hug to my infrequent companion, Diana, who regales me constantly with the most astonishing tales you ever heard whenever she comes through. I took a picture of her somewhere but i cant find it so this will have to do. There's an uncanny likeness...

And once again, Cake Lady dropped off some.... well, CAKE. I mean she IS the cake lady and thats how she rolls. Only this time she hit me with 2 different kinds of cake. I am working up the nerve to propose....

The other night we had a kind of guys evening, just pigging out and watching martial arts flicks and i suddenly had this desire to open up a Gentleman's Club. But then i reflected on it a few days later and couldnt work out the difference between a Gentleman's Club and a male gay bar.

Yeah.... so that idea kind of died. I say we keep the milk flowing into mr.E's.... I mean, a little cleavage never really hurt anybody...

Of Porn Star Fans and The Upside-down Staircase

Remember that song "Feening" by... um... what were those guys called?... Guy?... Sway... Shy...no, Shai... remember "You got me feening... (feening)..." Yeah, that song was awesome. Is awesome. It just speaks of this urge to be with someone, this itch, this drive to woo them. You ever listen to it and wish you could sing it for someone but not sound as horrible as you normally do but as awesome as you sound in the shower and win her heart? What a true song...

So i have a porn guy. Porn guys, plural. And i love these guys... I mean you'll have shitty days when all people want to do is take their bad days out on you. Seriously, sometimes i feel like i should be paid for providing my spirit as an emotional punching bag for the working class. It might go down like this:

JR: Hey, so and so... how's your day be-
So and so: What do you have for me thats nice?
JR: Um... it depends what kind of mood you're in-
S.S:Ah.. i just want something i'll enjoy. You know what kind of movies i like.
JR: Right.. um...we have the new white guy/funny black guy movie sequel, we've got the romantic comedy starring that girl from that popular teen show, there's a new horror from the guys who did the first 23 Saw movies...
S.S:Eh... you're saying too many things i dont like... its like you dont like your job...
JR:.....
S.S: Did they bring the other movie back?
JR: The "other" movie?
S.S:...................
JR: Um... let me check..... (not checking cos i dont know what the fuck she's talking about) ...... no, it seems like its still out.
S.S: As ALL your movie are ALWAYS out.... Its like you just put up covers of movies you dont have...
JR:..........(bitch!)
S.S: Eh?
JR: huh?
S.S: What?
JR: Okay... Do you watch One Tree-
S.S: Ah... i think let me just come back next time... maybe you'll have brought some nice movies... for once...
JR: Sure... Have a good-.... Oh, you're gone... Cooool.....

Porn guys never do this. Porn guys understand that i neither make the movies we have (or dont have) in stock nor am i the one who borrows them with barely any intention of returning them within the lunar month. They say the customer is always right. I say the customer is always right if that customer is a porn guy. Or Elewa... I know i'm not supposed to have a favourite customer but Elewa is too cool for school. Not just cos we have a very similar feel for movies but he brought me RICHARD PRYOR!!!! Whenever this dude comes by, we actually have interesting conversations about movies and he never seems shocked or angry that (huh!) movies have been rented in a movie RENTAL store! He's a cool brother. Almost as cool as the porn guys.

The thing about porn guys is that they're your regular everyday people... they're just not uptight about their desire to see people naked and doin it. ANd when i say guys, dont go off snickering ladies. "Porn Guys" includes women as well. Thats right, WOMEN WATCH PORN TOO. I dont get why its okay to watch peole cut up and torture each other a la Saw 1, 2 , 3, 4 ,5.... and thats okay but oh no, God forbid you should see 2 people doing what Adam and Eve did in the good book!! Hypocrites! One porn guy gave me an incredibly rational explanation as to why he enjoys these particular movies (ignore the word "enjoys" in that phrase): "I just dont like things that are too fictititious."

Oh Speaking of gravity defying cleavage, my workmate Doris is back in the building after a short sojourn away from mr.E's. Things just didnt work out with her replacment who even though he was a cool dude, at the end of the day his legs just werent as nice to ogle... Oooh,, that sounds very sexual harrassment-y. I'm out.

RIP Bernie Mac AND Isaac Hayes ( latter not pictured here).

Wake me up when September ends (seriously, not a second before cos spetember is full of SHIT movies)

So the (movie) summer is OFFICIALLY over... that sucks! Now in this singular-cinema city we live in, that might not mean much cos being the sole Cine Plaza -or Plex, if you will- it can afford to offer us the summer movies at Christmas and call them "the Hottest NEW releases" and get away with it cos most people, well, have lives that do not revolve around Hollywood's cinematical release schedule.

I am not most people.

For me, the end of th summer is kinda like the last day of the christmas vacation, a christmas where you got the best gift you could ever have wished for (the Dark Knight), kissed the girl of your dreams on New Year's eve (Wall-E) and made a life changing new year's resolution ( NEVER, EVER, EVER to watch ANOTHER Mummy movie again!!!). But i'm not gonna do a review of the summer movies cos i'm sure any even slightly movie-related site or blog has done just that. We all know what we loved (TDK) and what sucked blistered balls (Meet Dave)... no point repeating ourselves.

Instead, i'd like to talk about LOVE... "Wow, that's not on every other blog!" Shut up! Two movies this summer have really moved me with their approach to the theme of love: Wall-E and (hold your breath)... Hellboy 2: the Golden Army. Not exactly a romantic comedy, that last one, but give me a second to make my point.

I've been in less than a handful of relationships and of those, the honest truth is I've been in love with only one of those girls. I have and have had great affection for anyone i've been involved with at any one point, but my heart only broke to lose one of them. Anyways, having just exited from a "situation" that wasnt quite working out, i found myself pondering how we respond to each other and why we make the choices and mistakes we later deeply regret when in love and as always, i turned to the movies for guidance.

Enter Wall-E. Here is a beautiful story that never cheats or lies to you. Watching it is like eating a delicious fizzy-pop sweet that never gets finished yet never sours your tongue. How ironic that one of the most beautifully heart-felt love stories i've ever seen takes place between 2 basically in-animate objects made of tin and... well i dont know what material Eve is made out of. Oh yeah, and they cant really speak. Seriously. But there's that scene where Eve has temporarily shut down and Wall-E makes her that beautiful gift and... her reaction to his gift when she wakes up and his reaction to her reaction... who hasnt been there, during the courtship?

Watch this movie. Yes, its an animated movie (NOT a cartoon) but dont take my word for it. Go read Roger Ebert's review for it and you'll see what i'm talking about.

And then there's Hellboy 2. I had this movie for a week before i watched it just cos i thought it was going to be too much Pan's Labyrinth and less Hellboy. I was wrong. Sure there's all those Pan's creatures... he was nominated for a fucking Oscar... what did you expect? But its got great action, a mean baddie and Red is as funny as ever! What surprised me though was the deep undercurrent of love that flowed seamlessly through out the film. There's the treachorous romance between Hellboy and Liz which has an enigmatic resolution at the end of the 2nd act (trying not to spoil this for those who havent seen it) but more interestingly, there's the relationship between Abe and the Princess. What intrigued me about this couple is Abe's reason for being in love with her: "She's like me... from another world... alone in this world..."

Sometimes it feels like i'm from another world, a scientific experiment being remotely observed by great thinkers on my home planet. I watch my new workmate effortlessly make small talk with customers and i know he is SO much better at this job than i am. I just find it incredibly difficult to find any common ground for baseless conversation. My idea of good customer care is exactly what Ronald manages to do whereas when i try it, its like this stream of thinly veiled insults spewing forth from my mouth as if of their own volition. And its so much more embarrassing when its a girl i like which, thank God, is VERY rare. There's this one girl who comes here whom i think is so insanely hot, she should come with a warning label: TOO HOT TO HANDLE WITHOUT PROPER PROTECTION!! Its terrible cos she's the sister of a friend of mine so when she comes in i just shut the hell up cos i know if i open my mouth, i'm gonna say the dumbest shit you've heard since George Bush jr's last presidential address. I once attempted to start a conversation with her and for some reason my brain told my mouth it was okay to go: "So... do you have a business card?... No?.... Me neither... I'm thinking of getting those laminated ones... They're cool..."

That really happened.

But you know what i really loved about Wall-E? It was the point where Eve realises what Wall-E's been trying to do with his hands all along and she thinks of him and realises how she feels and all these images of Wall-E keeping her company while she was shut down just flood her memory and she almost purrs in her robotic voice... It was such a beautiful moment that i felt something stir in me that i was sure was dead, was sure i had killed. Something that i treasured more than life itself for at the end of it all, it IS life itself: I believed in love again... I know thats corny as an acorn on the cover of a cornflakes box sitting next to some buttered corn but at least i didnt say erection.... hmmm another E word.

P.S. Cake Lady brought me cookies the other day then Sheilah promised me cake a couple of ays later THEN Cake Lady brought me a tub of ice cream. I say tub because i didnt know they sold that much ice cream to consumers and not fuckin wholesale. It was alotta ice cream. I was happy.

Family Time and The Bitch Customer (or who REALLY stole the mango from the mango tree)

Before i forget this, Happy (belated) Birthday to Daphine who safely made it passed the dangerous age this week, sans tattoes or nipple piercings. Good luck with Campus!!

Right... So a memeber of this congregation finally found mr.E's and was disappointed to find i didnt have exactly what she wanted... which sucked. But see, she took it like you'd expect an adult to handle it. The other day, actually its been more than a week now, i had my first bitch customer (not to imply that my first customer was a bitch... Actually, Darlyne was officially my first customer and she's been nothing but supportive of my mini-enterprise since its start... You're all kinds of awesome, D-Sugar). But no, this was my very first Bitch of a customer. Now i can take as much shit from people as the next guy but i seriously wanted to punch this woman in the face. Not cos she was wrong or anything. Truth be told, her complaint was a genuine one. She's taken a disk home only to find it was scratched so when she came back it was all:

"Eh this place is so hard to find! Its far from everything and hidden! Then i reach here, you dont even have what i want... then i take your lousy movie and the dvd is scratched! I thought your place was new! My husband said your things are new but then they are all scratched... blablablablabla..."

You know what offended me the most? Not her snooty outfit or her exxagerated perfume, not her second hand english or undesirable neckline... it was the fact that she was right. I mean, she was absolutely right about the fact that a customer should expect the dvd they take home to work and should have the right to complain if it doesnt. Thats what pissed me off the most: here she was bitching in my store and i couldnt do a thing cos i knew she was right.

I gave her an extra free lollipop. That's not a euphemism. We sometimes give out free candy.

Anyways, a member of this readership (thats a word, right?) finally found my store and i gotta say, she was looking finger-licking when she came in, especially the 2nd time. But see here's the thing: am i allowed to say that to customer? Its been pointed out to me on SEVERAL occasions (Enough already!) that i have a tendency to say inappropriate things. I know this. Mostly i say whatever the fuck i want to say and if you dont like it, you can just fuck off. But i cant be like that in this line of work. its not an admirable or even acceptable character trait when you're in the customer service industry. Now i've really tried to tone it down but i've realised that i almost always hit on the 30 year old ladies who walk into mr.E's. I dont come onto them like the Zohan ("You look very bangable today"!) but honestly, i flirt with them quite a bit. Most times unintentionally. Why 30 year olds? Simply cos they're much safer than 19 year olds. Oh yeah, SheilaH walked in looking like this:

Yeah... apparently, they werent done yet. But she looked quite bangable! I just loved that line... I'm gonna miss my vaccists. Stupid University!

Finally, people always ask what it is i do on my day off and i tell them i go to Didi's World or to the zoo or chill out watching cartoons and this always gets a laugh. The irony here is that i'm actually not kidding. I really do do all those things cos i spend my day-offs... days-off... but its one day... anyway, i spend it with my sister's family. This is always the best part of my week. I mean late night coffe with Eve or closing shop early to eat out with Jane is awesome, but kicking it with my sister's family tops all else. Kinda brings me back to square one after one hell of a shitty week, you know.

Oh and it is my esteemed honour and absolute delight that not one but 2 of my big sisters are expecting children late this year! Cant wait to have another one of these rascals to pass my knowledge onto.

Kudos to Ivan M (or why i gave up my ambitions of being a cowboy on Christmas Eve 1989)

I dont know how i've been forgetting to mention it but this beautiful map/ flyer/ bumper sticker (above) was designed exclusively for mr.E's by the young talent who goes by the name of Ivan...or Ivan M... or Soki..... or The One.... or Slayer..... or No Touching.....and when i say "designed exclusively" i mean he poured his heart and soul into coming up with every detail, every nook and cranny that went into its creation... Except for the colour scheme which i chose to match with the rental store's interior.... oh and the characters which i painstakingly downloaded off the internet and envisioned on paper.... oh and the drawing of the map which i did strictly from memory.... and the basic layout which i conceived to keep the image simple.... and the text which i composed to say as much as possible in as few words as possible... yeah.... but Ivan, he... he certainly moved the mouse around.... quite a bit, i must admit.... and he also... he um..... yeah, clicking.... he did some serious clicking, Ivan did. So really the respect and admiration for the visual delight above rightfully belongs to Ivan M, without whom mr.E's wouldnt be what it is today. Good job, buddy.

The Cake Lady and My Idle Ways

Alot of people dont understand how its possible, but believe it or not, every now and then... i get bored. I mean, i know i have a world of movies, a knife wielding Angelina or a teary-eyed Tom Hanks just a click away, plus the occasional vaccist popping in to brighten my day but consider the fact that i've seen most all the movies in our extensive collection and even though i wouldnt admit this under oath to save a man's life, after a while... its just... seen one heavenly youthful rack, you've seen them all.

Obligatory Disclaimer: I know some of you are picking up on the fact that i ogle my customers' variously protruding cleavages but let me be the first to say this and i want it clearly understood: I have NEVER, in my entire lifetime, and i swear this on Thor, god of thunder, that i have NEVER admired a cleavage that didnt want or deserve my expert attention.

Which brings us to Sheilah. This is Sheilah.

Actually, i do not objectify her like i do almost any other of the hot, impressionable young women of tomorrow that float into my movie parlour. If anything, i enjoy Sheilah's visits because she doesnt get all insecure about the fact that i'm not trying to romance her or lech after her like i'm sure most men do. It was established quite early on that she is THAT age... you know the one i mean... The Age of Which We Do Not Speak... (19)... and she assured me that i'm not her type. Apprently she "is more into hot dudes" (ouch!!). So we're safe around each other thus we talk about anything: TV shows (she has crappy taste), going to campus (i've never been...awwww), sex with virgins ("boring", though i disagree), sex with midgets ("taboo", though i disagree) and one of the most fascinating things i've learned this year: women's objective discussions about slutting.

the E: ... I'm serious, those are your options. When you join campus you can either stay celibate or become a slut.

Sheilah:...............

the E: Wait... wait, so you're actually considering sluthood? i thought you'd hit me with your phone or give me the look you threw me when i suggested porn as an alternative to Scrubs Sn 6 disk 2... Yeah, that look!

Sh: No, its not like i'm considering but its just funny cos me and my sister are always talking about it-

the E: Hold up, hold up... You mean you and your sisters actually sit around and weigh the pros and cons of Sluthood? Are you serious?

Sh: Yeah i mean you have to talk about it... doesnt mean we're doing it!

the E: yeah i know but you're telling me girls sit around and have rational discussions about just letting loose like Free Willy... as in the movie... You havent watched Free Willy? wow, you musta had a rubbish childhood- Ow!! You're going to break your stupid phone!

Sh: I swear if you break my phone-

the E: If I break your phone? If my FOREHEAD breaks your phone?.... ... .... ...........

Yeah, its good times when she comes round. Hey SheilaH, if you ever get round to reading this... congrats on making it to that next step. Hope campus is everything you've read about in Red Pepper! Good Luck!

I love cake. No... i am cake. No... if cake were a movie, it would be a lesbian porn fest starring Scarlett Johanssen and a younger Raquel Welch as a teacher-student couple in a taboo relationship who decide to recruit .. um a pre-preggo Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Biel, Jessica White and... all the other hot Jessicas... and non-Jessicas... into their big lesbian/bisexual spring break bonanza where i'm judging the hottest lesbian/bisexual tongue kissing contest-

....wow... i really got sidetracked there, didnt i? Stupid hot Jessica White!

The point was that i really, REALLY love cake. And hot chicks named Jessica. Which us brings us to this lovely young lady right here:

This is Marianne (though i call her Jessica in my mind). She is some kind of angel i think. Whenever she graces me with a visit, the sun seems to shine a little bit brighter. We've known each other for like 10 years now (10!!) and I think she hovers magically above the ground because i imagine her feet are too delicate to touch the earth. She is heaven sent. And i'm not just saying it cos she brings me cake. That's only like 88% of the reason i think she's a celestial being. Anyone who's met her knows what i'm talking about. Marianne brings the hummingbirds to life. Okay, and she brought me cake AGAIN today!!! Which was totally AWESOME!!! Cos cake is like... is there anything like cake? From now on, i am instating a new policy in E's domain: anyone visiting my 12 sq ft republic must present cake at the village gates before they're let in. Cookies will only be accepted as a weaker alternative after long negotiations.

So yeah... i was bored the other day and i decided to take my keyboard apart and... you know... wipe the dust off or whatever... WOW, i will never, ever do such a foolish thing again as long as i live. Fuck!!! yeah, the next time you're feeling idle, just glance at the following horrific, nightmare inducing pictures of my disassembled keyboard and you'll come to your senses.

WARNING: The following images are very graphic and somewhat disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised...

My war against 19 year olds (or how great was The Dark Knight? right?)

I dont know if you've seen it yet but The Dark Knight is the dog's bollocks! Fuck! It is the movie equivalent of a 3 hour orgasm... dont ask how i would know that. Watch it. And damn Chris Nolan for being such an alien! How does he come up with this stuff? I mean, its not the greatest movie of all time (that would be Showgirls... duh?) but it is easily the most involving and exciting and amazing movie experience i've ever had at the cinema!

My workmate's named Doris.

I have a picture of her somewhere but i cant find it right now. She is hot. Now some of you might be thinking: "Oh... here goes another one of those chauvanist pigs... hiring girls cos of their good looks.... their bountiful racks and full bottoms... their long, long, long legs and bedroom eyes... their soft, cocnut skin and cherry lips..." Sorry i got carried away there. But the point is that i hate (F-E-A-R) 19 year old girls/ladies/women. And they're EVERYWHERE, right? I'm telling you, i've learnt to sniff them out. If a lady walks into my store and i start to give in to the allure of the sexy spot between her chin and her bossom, right below the neck but just above the cleavage... she's gonna be 19!! Its like i couldnt escape them to save my life.

Maybe i'm biased. You see, i have loved only 2 women in my life (Halle Berry doesnt count anymore cos she got pregnant). Now maybe its my karma or maybe the gods have it out for me but believe it or not, both of these vixens just so happened to be 19 when i graciously offered them my heart on a silver platter and they callously took it, run it through a meat grinder, took that mince and dried it out in the sun, crushed it into a powder which they then dissovled in sulphuric (or ammonic) acid, strained through a wire mesh, froze and sent to the arctic for the eskimoes to use as shark bait!

Or perhaps i was simply an asshole and deserved to be kicked to the curb. Actually, that sounds more accurate. That was it, i think.

Nevertheless, the fact that they both happened to be 19 is no conincidence. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in providence. In purpose. When i see 3 ships, 3 captains and 3 objectives... Wow, wasnt the Matrix:Reloaded the most ass kicking of the 3? Aaahh, good times.

There's girls that keep me company at the store. In shifts. Doris only works on my days off so during the week i'm all by me onesies. These "visitors" of mine all happen to be 19. I knew it before i ever saw them that they would be 19. God knows i swore them off for this year so He keeps messing with me. Every single hot girl that walks into my store just so happens to be 19! Or at least they once were or will someday be! Coincidence? Am i being paranoid? i dont think so. And the thing is, i always realise it far too late!

They bounce into my store like free range bunnies, their eyes so full of the promise of a bright day. (For the women, by "eyes" i mean "breasts"). She'll stroll over to my counter to ask me questions she'll never know the answer to. She'll wink and grin and flirt and smile... and i'll feel the darkness of the clouds closing in but know that she's wound that invisible leash round my neck and its too late for me. Save yourselves... her intellect is too much for me. ("intellect"= Cleavage) And then once i'm in, once i'm doomed beyond the slightest hope of redemption, i'll actually start to listen to what she's saying and the things she's talking about.

"Kale, me i know Bebe Kool. In fact me i just call him Bebe... cos he's like my bebe bro. That guy is a "G"... Are you a "G"?... Eh eh, kyoka, you! You think you're a "G"? Anyway you are. I was going to go for Akon but me that guy looks too ghetto for me!... But i like his song of Smack That... He makes good love songs..."... .... ..... ..............

I listen but in my mind i vow eternal vengeance against that unfairly full 19 year old cleavage staring me in the face. It is a war and the cleavage has won this battle. But i will have my vengeance! Oh yes, the day will come when the cleavage will yield to me!...

Only not today...

"Do you know Collie Budz used to be black? Eh eh! I'm telling you... kyoka i used to know he was black but then he isnt. Even Sean Po!...".... .... ...................

Setting up (or how i stopped calling Jesus "J-Bone")

The carpenter is late.

Fucking bastard!! He's late and i'm out of time. Seriously.... how can a carpenter be late? I mean, its not like a caterer who has to wait for the food to get ready or a doctor waiting on some lab results before he can give his diagnosis... its a fucking carpenter! You get some wood, cut it down, wilt it, sand it, varnish it- voila! Stupid carpenter. You know who else was a carpenter? Jesus! And whether or not you believe in all his magic tricks, one thing can be said about the man: he was a damn good carpenter! And i bet he wouldnt have me waiting around my still empty store with 7 boxes of DVD cases ready and waiting to be shelved which i cant do because the damn carpenter making the shelves is LATE!!!

Stupid Carpenter!
"Dont insult the carpenter."
Why not?.. Wait... who said that?
"Its me... Jesus..."
Jesus? As in THE Jesus?
"Duh!"
Wow... the Jesus.. J-Bone...
"Yeah, dont call me that... now, i'd like for you to lay off your fellow man."
Oh you can be sure i'm laying him off! His ass is grass after this!
"No, no... thats not what i mean at all... I'm saying, it would be best for you to give him a break. Go easy on him."
Wow... even after all this time, you carpenters sure stick together! But wait... i dont even believe in you...
"Sure you do."
No, really, i dont. Dont do church or the bible or any of that stuff. I'm not a Christian.
"Of course you are."
Nope.
"Yeah huh."
Really? Thats your arguement to win my soul over and save me from eternal damnation?..."Yeah huh"?
"Yeah well... that and... THIS!"
Holy fuck balls!!!
"Woah, watch the blasphemy..."
How the hell did you do that??? Seriously...
"Do not despair, future almost successful small business owner. Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage; the human spirit is to grow strong through conflict."
Wow... who is that, Blake?
"William Ellery Channing."
Thats good.
"Right? Yeah i dig it too. Anyway, the point is that you need to take it easy on your fellow man and perhaps others will do unto... others?... no!... you will do...?"
Wooooah, easy there,... Lord... dont hurt yourself. I think i follow you.
"You're going to do fine, young man. Your path is a golden one just as long as you remember most importantly and above all, ensure that you dont forget-.... oooh i gotta go!"
Wait, dont forget what? Dont forget what??
"Sorry, its 9.00 pm and LOST is starting. It ended on a real nail biter last week. Peace be with you, child."
Wait... isnt that the moslem thing? Jesus? Lord?

But he's gone. I mean He... dammit I'm getting confused. The point is, i'm able to pull myself together and when the carpenter does eventually show up, we start to build:

Seriously, this is the space we started with...
But with a little Curious George man in the yellow suit paint...
Some "shelves" and a little "artwork"(yeah, i did music not art)...
Covered up those gaps and paint spills in the wall with dvd jackets...
And soon enough, my dream has come together...

Next time, i'll tell you all about my personal vendetta against 19 year olds and the truth about how Tom Cruise fell in love with Scientology. In the meantime, feel free to stop by the store one of these days... we give free popcorn to the customers on Tuesadays.

Except we dont.

Dammit! (or how i got into a wrestling match with God)

One day i went to bed and woke up 25! I was a little angry with God for playing me like that so i said, "God, thats not cool and You know it... Now that You've had Your laugh, how about switching me back?"
But God said, "Huh? what? No, I'm off today... really wish i could help but my hands are tied.."
"Tied? What are you talking about?! I woke up with hair on my face, my chest and covering mr. Periwinkle!! What the hell happened to me?"
"Are you on a new diet or something? Cos that Atkins thing-"
"Will You stop kidding around, Lord?I'm missing Beast Wars cos of You and You're telling me Your hands are tied?!... Hello?... Hel-"
"The number you have dialed is not available...."
DAMMIT! I was furious! Stupid MTN! How many times had i pushed God to switch to Warid but noooo.... He couldnt leave Late Chat behind! Damn you 50 shs sms's and insanely cheap calls after 11 pm and on Sundays!

So there i was, a stupid, lazy kid helplessly trapped inside the body of a 25 year old dude... The incredibly well toned body of a handsome 25 year old Adonis. Perfectly chiseled jaw, arms the size of canons, abs that made beer six packs seem inadequate and when i looked down below my waist...

Wait

Wait. Thats not quite how it happened. Sure thats how it played out in my head but the truth of the matter is, i woke up one day and REALISED i was 25. It was during a conversation with my father when he happened to mention that i was 25 and that it was time for me to start to be somebody. My father or my annoying adopted brother, Ray. I dont recall. The point is , whoever it was, was right. "We aint these little kids no more, running dangerous"-Nas

The first girl i'd ever been in love with had left. I'd given up my shitty job in a Brussels hotel and come back to a country i couldnt have fled quickly enough years earlier and my screenplay that i had believed would change how the world looks at homeless people had not even made the first round in the Nicholl Fellowship Screenplay writing competition. I was down ya'll. SOmewhere amidst all the late night movies and flactuating weight patterns, i'd lost myself. I prayed to God for help. I really did. You see sometimes, the world is just no the place you want to be but you're so lost that even your dreams are filled with gray skies and emptiness.

I prayed. And waited. A week, 2 and a half weeks, months, an entire season of LOST.

No word from up above. Just emptiness.

I felt abandoned. All the songs i listened to at the time seemed to hae the most depressing lyrics. A n old BB King song went, "No one loves me but my mother.... and she could be jivin' too..." So i turned to movies again. Just watched them day in day out. Didnt shower or sleep or go outside. Just watched movies and ate alot of home cooked food. I was 25 and headed nowhere... slowly.

Then i popped in Batman Begins. After rewatching the Prestige and Memento, it occurred to me that since those 2 are my all time favourite movies, i should give Chris Nolan's Batman Begins another try. I hadnt hated it the first time, i just didnt think it was that great. I popped it in.

And thats when God gave me an answer.

It was the scene where the very young Bruce Wayne falls into a mysterious cave and is frightened by bats (hmmm, wonder where THATS leading?) before his father carries him safely through the huge door of Wayne Manor and asks very gently, "Why do we fall son?" There it was, buried in the treasure that is Chris Nolan's Batman Begins, the key to overcoming any obstacle, any of life's stupid challenges. There it was, waiting for me in the calmly soothing voice of Thomas Wayne. "Why do we fall, Bruce?"

I woke up. I got up. I looked out my window and smiled at the blue sky, a smile only me and the Main Man understood. Mysterious ways? Bloody enigmatic! Huh... thats an "e" word isnt it? Funny thing, that.



Obligatory Post Scriptum: For those who havent watched the brilliant Batman Beigns or those who might want to refresh their memories of it in the wake of the Dark Knight, come check out mr.E's Movie Rental Experience in Ntinda behind the boda stage, opposite the market place, right before Musana Plaza.(Kisaasi Road)